Leaving Austin

I'm going to take a break from the normal barrage of my past to post about my current situation. I leave tomorrow and I'm sitting here typing this in the bedroom that I have shared with my partner for a couple months now. I'm leaving my Dog, Navi, and my cat, Momo, behind and my partner/friend is going to take care of them for me.

Last night I planned to spend it with my partner who I care about deeply. I didn't fully comprehend how stressed they were with tests today which led to physical violence. I had a screen printing class and then did a food fundraiser for the house I'm leaving where I raised more money than I spent. I raised money for a house that doesn't want me here, that's not why I did the fundraiser, I did it because I care about Roots.

I've started to realize there is a lot of favoritism that takes place in a home-like this and if you are on the outside or you are new then you're constantly trying to prove yourself. It's a hierarchy. Others in the house have said they don't feel comfortable with their place at Roots, as though they could get kicked out at any time. That kind of structure doesn't facilitate growth, more often it facilitates fear.

I had a new idea today on my way home because there was no way I could stay in my house knowing my partner didn't want to be there with me. The idea is this, I buy a truck and build a shell on top. I also buy a small trailer. Ideally, I can travel in this truck with my dog and maybe a cat, depending on how she handles it. and we can travel to different ecovillages or aspiring communities and we can help with building projects. So I will build my tools up. I will learn from my father while I'm in New Jersey. I will see what different communities are doing, what works and what doesn't.

Hopefully, I end up back at Roots but I'm done playing Survivor no matter where I go. I'm looking for a family and families to work together and they don't treat each other as if only the favorites matter. It isn't healthy and it isn't sustainable. If you see someone struggling, we should reach out and help them or find resources that may help them.

I connected with Extinction Rebellion New Jersey so I'm excited to see where that goes. I need activism in my life to feel whole and complete. I need a community. I need a community that wants me and makes me feel nourished. I've felt used and like the people here are apathetic towards me. I need time away so I can grow and learn more. Maybe Roots is in my future, the universe knows I've kept this place afloat for a very long time, it's a bummer a few decided to strip it from me.

This comes from an angry place. Especially after I was treated last night.

Alternative Substances Part Two

We ended part one with me moving to Austin with very little savings but I managed. I moved with one of my best friends Luna and another friend Mckenzie. Luna was pregnant so her experience was very different than mine and Mckenzies. I'd also starting dating a guy named Low and soon he'd move in.

I'm going to preface this next to say I'm missing a lot between leaving after my car crash to my mom's house parts that are worth mentioning but I'll come back to it.

At the time I was 20 years old, I wanted to experience everything, and when I say everything I mean everything. Mdma, LSD, 25i, 2ci, any research chemical, DMT, heroin, meth, coke, you name it, especially if it was free, I'd do it. I'm going to be 30 in 5 days and the thought of me than trips me out. I barely microdose without hardcore researching.

Our house became a haven of druggies that put our pregnant roommate at risk and for that, I'm sorry because I was apart of it. There were times with the amounts of substances going into our systems I though someone might die or we would get robbed. Turn out, years later, I found out our apartment was almost robbed because of my idiot boyfriend at the time who liked to show off all the cash he was making.

Eventually, I meet this beautiful girl named Shane and she stole my heart. She also led me to the place I tried DMT for the first time, in an apartment full of strangers I'd just met, they offered it to us for free and she was like me and took it. I went first and one hit out of a meth pipe (not saying meth was used in this pipe it was just the way we use to do DMT and some still do now) one hit and I was gone. I traveled out of my body, honestly thought I'd defecated and held on to Shane for dear life hoping she could pull me back down. I repeated to myself "Come back. Come back. Come back." And eventually I did, she was next, she enjoyed herself. blasting to another place. After that I acquired all they had and shared it with my friends, this drug was too special not to share.

This was around the same time, although not the same night, I tried heroin for the first time. Intravenously, with a new needle, a junkie shot us up and Shane and I laid back on the bed and just felt so good and warm. If that drug didn't do such terrible things to people, I'd do it again. But I did it only for two weeks and then stopped, never touching it again. Shane kept going back, I'd come in to try and get her and people would be acting weird, they were out of it and I'm certain people were taken advantage of in their fucked up minds. I also tried meth here for the first time, I smoke it and didn't like it at all and did heroine a little bit later that night. Not exactly a speedball but close.

Shane and I eventually got a place together after I got evicted from mine and met a boy who became a quintessential part of my existence as a human, Robin. We exchanged LSD often and he started coming around more and I and Shane became more distant. I don't think she liked LSD that much, I don't think she liked me and Robin together that much. We would party together in that place often. I'd get puddled, that's where someone feeds you acid, I took more acid with Robin than any other person, over 15 hits is my highest count but who can ever tell when someone just keeps giving you more.

I'm going to keep writing later on this, it gets to trippy to get into now and I have work to do.

Alternative Substances Part One

I didn't grow up in a house of drinkers. I remember seeing a bottle of zinfandel spritzer behind our water purifier but my parents didn't drink. We grew up in a church and parties never involved drinking.

When I was fourteen I smoked pot for the first time and became a little stoner. I still did good in school but I loved weed. I skipped school and had to make up for it but my grades remained high. When I was 17 years old I was hanging out with some friends in Morgans Point and two cops pulled up. I almost ran but stood frozen...I wonder if they would have found me if I ran, I didn't know Morgans Point that well but I had the weed on me. The Imogen Heap song Hide and Seek will always remind me of that time because an SNL skit had come out with Shia Labauef about it and we had been laughing about it all night.

Two of our own cars were there, one being mine and they asked to search both if my memory serves. We both complied. Stupid. When they'd pulled up I'd chunked my stash under the seat. I was so dumb...young. They found nothing in my friend's car but of course, found mine and I got arrested. The next day was Mother's Day, my mom you have to imagine was so proud to have to wake up to a call from the Bell County jail that her daughter had been picked up for marijuana possession. They got a lawyer and I remember her coming in, the glass in between us and I'm kind crying but not hysterical or anything and she put her hand up to the window. I didn't know this woman at all and she thought that would help me, I know it was out of kindness. It just felt funny. I got out early that morning and long story short got put on probation for a year.

I got my first job at the only movie theater in town to pay off my probation fees. I went in every month to piss test, I did community service, and eventually, I got put on every other month and was in a group. Once I got put on probation because I couldn't smoke and it was my senior year I started drinking, I literally blacked out every single time which is a sign of alcohol poisoning.

I'm going to skip ahead, I finished high school top of my class and moved in with some crusty punk kids in this cool old house. I started dating an abusive douche bag, he hit me, he kicked me, he almost killed me once but I'll talk about that another time. After him I started drinking more, when I drank I became brave. I didn't give a fuck what he said and any punches he gave or anything mean he said slid right off. That's when I stopped caring about everything and anyone. I was a shitty friend.

I met a cool group of friends close to Round Rock and tried ecstasy for the first time and loved it. That led eventually to me driving to Round Rock and crashing my car, not on drugs, it was raining. And having to move to my mom's house.

I did good for awhile there. The goal was to save everything so I could move to
Austin. I succeeded up to a point but in Allen, TX and Fairview and all those little suburbs in between the only thing to do is drink and shop. So I drank, I drank my savings down the drain and had barely enough when I moved to Austin.

I'm going to stop now. This may seem unnecessary to some but it's how I'm coping and the cool thing is, you don't have to read it if you don't want to.

Abandonment

That title might seem so intense but it's how I feel, it's how my whole existence feels. I've put my life into this place and in under two hours, they came up with a decision that uprooted my life forever. Thre is honestly so much I could say....I'm not going to say any of the true angry things I feel because what will they do, make me feel better in the present and hurt others in the long run? That isn't my goal. I love Roots. I really love Roots and I think my actions on leaving this place will show that...or maybe not.

In December 2018 my personal account was seized of all its assets. Every penny I had the account was taken out and the account was closed. At the same time, Roots was being evicted due to gentrification. I was the first to hear the news because I was the accountant, I waited 24 hours to tell anyone because I wanted more information from the landlord. All I got from him initially was that we were getting our 30 days. I was scared everyone would leave.

We all sat down and out of the 8 of us, not everyone made the meeting, we decided to stay together. That didn't happen, within 24hours of that meeting people had already started looking for new places. Nic and George had only lived at Roots for 3 to 4 months but they decided to stay. Yessenia had been at Roots for 6 maybe a bit longer. I didn't tell them about the account seizure because I thought everyone would leave and Roots wouldn't survive. I lied.

I don't regret lying at the time and still would have done the same thing. My biggest regret is not telling them sooner. When we moved to Mays and got closer I should have told them but I didn't. We planned on buying Mays and it didn't work out, a lot can be said about that situation and maybe I will at another time but not now. We left Mays and moved to our current place. My partner became the accountant with me and even after multiple times of trying to tell him about what had gone one with the money, he told me not to tell him, he instead told the group. My intention in telling him was for him not to lie for me but so he knew and I wouldn't be alone in telling everyone. I was alone. I've been alone at Roots since than.

After two hour deliberation of what I just told you, they decided to revoke my membership and give me 30 days, with the idea in 6 months if my mental health was better I could maybe come back depending on room and me and George.

The money was seized. I never spent the money on drugs or alcohol. I had issues in between paying roots back because of my addiction byt I never used Roots money on drugs or alcohol. That needs to be very clear

I'm angry, sad, disappointed and hurt by the decisions that have been made and how I've been treated since their decision so I won't go into it now about how I wish Roots had conducted their decision. Their trust was broken but I don't trust them either.

I think it's easy to throw around words like love and family, at this point, I wouldn't call Roots any of that, it's a farce. 

Uprooting for Awhile

I have lived at Roots Ecovillage for 6 years of my life. I've lived in Austin for 9 years. Before that I traveled a lot, never staying in one place longer than 6 months and when I was still living at home I was an Air Force brat so I moved every 3 to 5 years. Roots was the first place as an adult I have ever called home.

During my time at Roots, handfuls of people have come and gone, and Roots has evolved and changed depending on who is in the house. We started at 1708 Fortview Road in Austin, TX, right off Manchaca, before gentrification had really taken a hold of the area. I wasn't one of the founders. It was founded by a bunch of people who through Occupy in 2012 felt inspired to keep their activism growing and built a community and space where events could be held and gardens grew and an anarchist, self-governance lifestyle could occur.

Slowly, all of those people who helped create the foundation of Roots left and for awhile only one remained. A shaggy-haired man who cared so much for Roots and what its mission had been was the last one left, and after he was gone because he felt stagnant I stayed and never left.

There have been times it's been hard and I almost left. Where people said we weren't really a cooperative and that Roots was just a bunch of shit. At times it was a bunch of shit. At times it was just drug-fueled parties. At times it was angry people shouting at each other over terrible misgivings. On the opposite end though we had fundraisers like A Bloody Good Show where we gathered feminine hygiene products for the houseless community, we held Austin SOUP which is a live crowdfunding event that connects the community, we put on a show and art auction for Standing Rock and we planted beautiful gardens together, drank beer and worked on the aquaponics, we had 3am dance parties and shared in beautiful ceremonies under the moon and around the fire together.

Roots survived eviction due to gentrification and then survived an ending of a lease and a search for a new home that would hopefully fit more people. We found it in our new place. Now, currently, we have 8 people here which was the number we were at right before the eviction at the original place that halved our numbers. We have two houses, two full kitchens, 3 full bathrooms, three shared common spaces, two backyards, chickens, gardens, a beautiful patio. It's grown, Roots has survived through tough times and besides those first two years of its conceptions I've seen all of it.

I am leaving Roots November 1st for 6 months but I'll be back a better person. The reason I'm leaving is a story for another time.