Tuesday, November 5, 2019

Small Wins

I've been having a hard time adjusting to being in New Jersey and it's literally been 5 days and I need to stop putting so much pressure on things. It's time. All the time I keep thinking about having left until I can go back home. The time I have to myself to think of all the things I could have done differently. Time to get lost in thoughts that serve no positive purpose.

I wrote a tear-filled post yesterday and intended to post it today but instead, am going to talk about the wins I have. The things that are good and will keep me going through this because I'm luckier than most and can't forget that.

I get to see my little brother who I haven't seen in years this week, along with a bunch of other family in Tennessee. I have a good friend and roommate back home who knows how much this is hurting me and is doing their best to stay connected to me in one of the hardest ways in the world for them, fucking text. I live within 2 miles of a library that so far has had every book I've wanted ALREADY THERE. I just applied at a spot by my house cooking, where I can ride to and go in for my interview and they were very excited to have me come in and apply. I can kayak whenever I want. I have a smart recovery group I can go to. I have fucking goals, achievable goals to get back home and healthy. Then the biggest one is my parents. The ones who have opened up their home and let me come and work on myself without judgment but without enabling me, who have gone above and beyond to make sure I'm okay. Who love me and have seen me at my worst. Both sets of parents have cared for and loved me and I'm grateful.

I still cry all the time. I'm getting better at hiding it or getting lost in a book, starting my third one today since I got here, gotta love Octavia Butler.


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