I am not my addiction.

I struggle with substances. My parents didn't drink. Science says I have a gene that makes me predisposed to liking different drugs.

I use to just be a pot head. That was easy. No harm there but in the land of the free and home of the brave it was a crime that led to incarceration which led to probation which led to intoxication because you can't drug test for booze unless you've been drinking the day before. 17 years old and on probation for a drug that is legal in how many states now? A drug that has had men and women, vast majority black and brown, behind bars.

I struggle with substances. I loved Lucy. She gave the world a beautiful filter and made me feel like I was from another planet. She connected me to a beautiful boy who loved her too much and got sick and left this world to be in the kaleidoscope sky forever. She made me believe that I could save this planet, the one that we are killing with our consumerism and extraction, that I was here for a purpose. Ken Kesey saw the beauty in her, he wanted to share her with the world instead of only keeping it for the "elite", not really elite though, they're fucking predators.

I struggle with substances. I've been ripped from my home more times than a kid should ever be. Back before cell phones and facebook, so when you lost touch you lost touch. I still made good grades but I was angry. I'd huff stupid shit to get a temporary high.

I struggle with substances. Alcohol has turned me into a monster that has destroyed any loving relationship with a partner I have EVER had. Nobody wants to love a monster. It's too hard. It's destructive, they need to protect themselves. I don't blame them. We all need to protect ourselves.

I struggle with substances. Riding in a car on the way to a protest in Chicago and getting a phone call from a good friend of mine asking if I remembered what had happened the night before. I didn't. He proceeded to tell me how he had to pull our friend off me while I was passed out on the bed from Ambien because he was touching me. The "friend" went into the living room and sexually assaulted our friend on the couch that night too.

I struggle but I am not my addiction.

I am a kind person who feels for people. Our world isn't balanced and so many of us are hurting and have been hurt and we need to fix ourselves but it's hard to find the healthcare to do it and it's hard to communicate with others because we don't know how to talk to each other because the world wants us divided. They want us divided.

Some of you reading this may think I share too much, I think I've said it before in one of these posts but it's how I'm healing. Sharing my story and what's happened to me and who I am is an outlet for me. If you don't like it, don't click it. It isn't met for you. I write about this because I know even though I feel so fucking lonely and am trying to use the word alone and that's okay, that there are others out there just like me.

You are not alone.
You can get better.
You are strong.
You are not your addiction.

I believe in you.